These past couple days have been interesting, to say the least. As part of the Sigma Chi Fraternity, we helped serve at the "Cigar and Steak Night" for the Police for Kids organization. (A great cause where underprivileged children are given the chance to go shopping for Christmas and just have time away from their lives). I was happy to be a part of it, even if I dislike children. However, even with the philanthropic endeavors, I feel as though life is becoming a blasé track of repetitiveness and carnality. College is great, and it can fit every stereotype Hollywood designates, but it's difficult to keep up both socially and academically while keeping a strong spiritual life. I'm not happy in New Mexico but it's where God wants me at the moment. Hopefully, with prayer and decision, I will be transferring to the University of San Diego next year in an attempt to start a career in acting. Who knows where this life will lead me, I just hope that is somewhere I can be content. It's scary thinking that my life is unknown to anyone. It's odd thinking that it is just beginning even though I have been alive for eighteen years already. I still have so much ahead of me, and it's difficult to look to the future rather than regret the past. However, my plan is to keep my head high ans keep looking forward. To "begin at the beginning and go on till [I] come to the end; then stop," as Lewis Carrol writes in Alice in Wonderland. My life is so far ahead of me and I plan on living it to its full extent.
The second thought on my mind is my personality. This is a little personal for just a second posting on this blog but I feel as though it's time for a reframing. Recently, I have found a habit of pretension, one that is sourly unattractive. At one point in my life I was the type of person to love everyone and everything. However, now, I'm judgmental, mean, bitchy, and somewhat unhappy. I'm not positive but I think it is a reaction to staying in New Mexico while watching everyone else leave. Subconsciously I began thinking that I should have left and that I'm better than others. Which is wrong. Everyone is created by the same God for a specific reason and I should realize that for what it is. Not judge others by what they wear, how much money they spend, or who they hang out with. There are so many people in this world with much less than I have and I am truly blessed to have a loving family, a roof over my head, and close friends that care (even with the incessant drama).
My life is at an adjustment point right now. It's interesting but scary at the same time. Twenty years from now, I have no idea where I'll be. However, I do know that I will continue to keep those who matter close to me, continue to follow my interests, and continue to culture myself (while sitting on this beach :). A little deep for 3:30 am but I think it's been time for this type of self realization for a while.
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